With the events in Cumbria taking centre stage in the media circus it's easy to miss the tragic events in Derbyshire's Hobrook Village.
According to early investigations a 44 year old father stabbed to death his 38 year old partner and mother of their 23 month old boy. The toddler was also stabbed and died later in hospital.
Apparently the father was arrested last week following a series of death threats aimed at his former partner. As is often the case, he was not detained and went on to carry out his threats in the most horrific way.
Family disputes, especially involving children, bring out the very worse in people. Death threats are regularly dished out. Thankfully very few people carry these out. That's not to say that they do not terrorise the recipient, they do. Living in fear both for yourself and your children has to be torture.
One of the areas that we want to look into at mychildcontact.com is to help emotionally charged parents to handle their hurt in a more constructive way. I'm sure that everyone has felt the overwhelming sensation that starts in the pit of the stomach and erupts out of every muscle in the body. It is a horrible time and one that causes many people to act in away that they do not like but find hard to stop. Threats and acts of violence spill out, often in full view of the children, sometimes aimed at them.
If you are struggling with your emotions don't bottle them up, talk about your feelings. If you can't talk then write them down. Try to find ways of controlling your anger and hurt. We're here to listen to your story and help if we can. Take a look at our earlier blogs, there you'll find help and guidance or email us with your problems to info@mychildcointact.com
Friday, 4 June 2010
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Abducted Children
Since 1983 I have been involved in the detection and repatriation of hundreds of distressed children.
Parents and family members can be the most damaging of people a child can come into contact with. I've witnessed babies being held over multi story buildings held from certain death by the strand of a nappy. I've stood back whilst the abductor has screamed and shouted abuse at the child taking out the anger they feel for the absent parent the authorities, and me. They have no concept of the life long damage they are causing. On other occasions I have spent hours talking to a parent holding a child hostage amazed at the cold calm way they justify their 'right' to put the child through a life changing ordeal.
I've been lucky. To date I've not had any case that went to the wire. In the majority of incidents I have managed to negotiate and come away with the child. On the occasional ones where I've not felt it appropriate to force the return I've ensured the child's safety and returned at a later time to bring the matter to a successful conclusion.
Parents and family members can be the most damaging of people a child can come into contact with. I've witnessed babies being held over multi story buildings held from certain death by the strand of a nappy. I've stood back whilst the abductor has screamed and shouted abuse at the child taking out the anger they feel for the absent parent the authorities, and me. They have no concept of the life long damage they are causing. On other occasions I have spent hours talking to a parent holding a child hostage amazed at the cold calm way they justify their 'right' to put the child through a life changing ordeal.
I've been lucky. To date I've not had any case that went to the wire. In the majority of incidents I have managed to negotiate and come away with the child. On the occasional ones where I've not felt it appropriate to force the return I've ensured the child's safety and returned at a later time to bring the matter to a successful conclusion.
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
Missing Children
Every year in America an estimated 800,000 children are reported missing. That's more than 15,000 children each day. In the UK 100,000 go missing and that's nearly 2,000 a day!
Many of these children will be found in a relatively short time. But for some, they will never be found. Their parents continue their life in hope and despair.For them there is no closure.
As an investigator and family social worker I have been involved in many investigations and managed to put parents and children back together. Some though, I've not found and know only too well how the uncertainty eats away at the very root of even the most stable family relationships.
Here at mychildcontact.com we have an initiative that allows parents and family members the opportunity to leave a Life Story Legacy, a diary that is stored for posterity. The hope is that one day a missing child or their future family will access our records and know their true family history.
For more information check out http://mychildcontact.com
Many of these children will be found in a relatively short time. But for some, they will never be found. Their parents continue their life in hope and despair.For them there is no closure.
As an investigator and family social worker I have been involved in many investigations and managed to put parents and children back together. Some though, I've not found and know only too well how the uncertainty eats away at the very root of even the most stable family relationships.
Here at mychildcontact.com we have an initiative that allows parents and family members the opportunity to leave a Life Story Legacy, a diary that is stored for posterity. The hope is that one day a missing child or their future family will access our records and know their true family history.
For more information check out http://mychildcontact.com
Sunday, 25 April 2010
Dad Fights for Son's Contact
MG from Somalia has been trying to get contact to his son for the past two years. He says his former partner 'allowed' him to see his son occasionally but he has had to 'beg' and contact was often stopped moments before it was arranged to take place.
Sound familiar?
We encouraged him to take the matter to Court for a Contact Order....
Mum has made allegations of domestic violence, denied by Dad. The Court has asked for reports following a recent Hearing.
He asks....
Q "How long will it take to get the next hearing after ive just had the first one yesterday?"
A The next Hearing will be determined by several factors the main ones being... The time it takes to get the reports needed. Although the protocol sets out the times that are often stretched because of the difficulties in getting the reports completed. Another factor is the Court listings. Quite often the Court has a lot of cases and have to fit your case in. Once again, the Court has to take account of the protocols, (they are different in private law than public law). You should have had a new Hearing date fixed when you were last in Court.
Q "police said there is no allegations made on my name as they have checked in their database system and there was nothing on me, mind you i only went to ----- police in ------------ where we used to live so will this database record show just anything that happened in ----- or is it the whole country database?"
A The Police National Computer check should have all details of any arrests etc. The local Police should have checked on this. You have said that you have never been in trouble with the Police so when the reports are completed this should be dealt with.
Q "I am gonna be on supervised contact visit at a contact centre in ------, how long will this supervised visit last because eventually i would love to have my son having fortnight staying contact with me like previously requested?"
A You tell me that the order made states that contact will happen at the contact centre every 2 weeks for 2 hours. This should be until your next hearing. I would expect that whoever is supervising you will be responsible for reporting their findings. The Court will take all this into account when your case is properly heard. It is not good to keep long term contact at a centre so the reporter should look at this for you.
Q "how does it work in contact centre? are they gonna be watching every move how i interact with my son?"
A If your order says supervised then this is exactly what it means. You are being supervised and as such you will be watched and your behaviour monitored along with your son's reaction to contact.
Sound familiar?
We encouraged him to take the matter to Court for a Contact Order....
Mum has made allegations of domestic violence, denied by Dad. The Court has asked for reports following a recent Hearing.
He asks....
Q "How long will it take to get the next hearing after ive just had the first one yesterday?"
A The next Hearing will be determined by several factors the main ones being... The time it takes to get the reports needed. Although the protocol sets out the times that are often stretched because of the difficulties in getting the reports completed. Another factor is the Court listings. Quite often the Court has a lot of cases and have to fit your case in. Once again, the Court has to take account of the protocols, (they are different in private law than public law). You should have had a new Hearing date fixed when you were last in Court.
Q "police said there is no allegations made on my name as they have checked in their database system and there was nothing on me, mind you i only went to ----- police in ------------ where we used to live so will this database record show just anything that happened in ----- or is it the whole country database?"
A The Police National Computer check should have all details of any arrests etc. The local Police should have checked on this. You have said that you have never been in trouble with the Police so when the reports are completed this should be dealt with.
Q "I am gonna be on supervised contact visit at a contact centre in ------, how long will this supervised visit last because eventually i would love to have my son having fortnight staying contact with me like previously requested?"
A You tell me that the order made states that contact will happen at the contact centre every 2 weeks for 2 hours. This should be until your next hearing. I would expect that whoever is supervising you will be responsible for reporting their findings. The Court will take all this into account when your case is properly heard. It is not good to keep long term contact at a centre so the reporter should look at this for you.
Q "how does it work in contact centre? are they gonna be watching every move how i interact with my son?"
A If your order says supervised then this is exactly what it means. You are being supervised and as such you will be watched and your behaviour monitored along with your son's reaction to contact.
Monday, 12 April 2010
USE YOUR UNIQUE KNOWLEDGE
What you have is priceless. Don't underestimate your worth. Your knowledge is unique to you and whether you like it or not, good or bad it all belongs solely to you. You make your decisions in this knowledge, it affects your every day thoughts and events.
Understand that no matter what, there are no negatives in there it's all positive if you use the knowledge you've gained to good effect it is absolutely PRICELESS.
Let's say that you are in a relationship that you are not enjoying. Why are you still there? The answer may well be that you are hoping something will change to make it 'better'. Or you just don't feel that you have the strength to move away from it.
Your reasons for staying are unique to you. Inside, you know the real reasons. To come to the reasons you have used your knowledge. It is this that determines how you cope. It may be that you have reflected on your past and that you have the knowledge that you have done something in the past that you regret and that you are blaming yourself for. Reflect again on this and use your knowledge to inform you, not destroy you. Maybe you should have moved out of the relationship years ago but you did not. Don't dwell on this. It may be that you are feeling guilty for thoughts or things you have done that you consider are wrong. By all means reflect on your past but accept that we all do things that we regret, it's a part of learning. What you don't want to do is to continue to do something that you know is wrong. Don't try to appease everyone else, you can't win them all, so don't try to, accept that some people will not understand and accept your position. That is a matter for them, not you. Keeping a failing relationship alive because you are trying to please others is not a positive way forward. It leads to uncertainty. Being vague about what you really mean, to try to lessen the impact of the relationship's end, is more damaging that a clean break. Vagueness leads to unhelpful responses from those around you.
Ending a relationship cleanly and quickly may be brutal in the short term but spending months trying to wean someone off you is down right abusive!
Using your knowledge to define your problem will help you to come to a positive conclusion.
When people are unclear about what they want to change, attempts at finding solutions are often misguided. This can lead to frustration especially when nothing seems to be improving. If you are unsure about the exact nature of your problem take the time to trawl your knowledge and find the reasons behind your needs then act on them.
NEXT MONDAY
BE YOURSELF
Understand that no matter what, there are no negatives in there it's all positive if you use the knowledge you've gained to good effect it is absolutely PRICELESS.
Let's say that you are in a relationship that you are not enjoying. Why are you still there? The answer may well be that you are hoping something will change to make it 'better'. Or you just don't feel that you have the strength to move away from it.
Your reasons for staying are unique to you. Inside, you know the real reasons. To come to the reasons you have used your knowledge. It is this that determines how you cope. It may be that you have reflected on your past and that you have the knowledge that you have done something in the past that you regret and that you are blaming yourself for. Reflect again on this and use your knowledge to inform you, not destroy you. Maybe you should have moved out of the relationship years ago but you did not. Don't dwell on this. It may be that you are feeling guilty for thoughts or things you have done that you consider are wrong. By all means reflect on your past but accept that we all do things that we regret, it's a part of learning. What you don't want to do is to continue to do something that you know is wrong. Don't try to appease everyone else, you can't win them all, so don't try to, accept that some people will not understand and accept your position. That is a matter for them, not you. Keeping a failing relationship alive because you are trying to please others is not a positive way forward. It leads to uncertainty. Being vague about what you really mean, to try to lessen the impact of the relationship's end, is more damaging that a clean break. Vagueness leads to unhelpful responses from those around you.
Ending a relationship cleanly and quickly may be brutal in the short term but spending months trying to wean someone off you is down right abusive!
Using your knowledge to define your problem will help you to come to a positive conclusion.
When people are unclear about what they want to change, attempts at finding solutions are often misguided. This can lead to frustration especially when nothing seems to be improving. If you are unsure about the exact nature of your problem take the time to trawl your knowledge and find the reasons behind your needs then act on them.
NEXT MONDAY
BE YOURSELF
Monday, 5 April 2010
LIFE-STYLE SELF-ESTEEM
SETTLE YOUR SOUL
It’s no good spending valuable healing time torturing yourself by going over your past life events. No matter what, you can not change them. They are what makes you good or bad!
Settling your soul starts with the acceptance that you can not change the past. Using your knowledge and experience to shape your future is what you should spend time thinking about. No one knows the core you better than you. Quite often psychologists, counsellors and social workers come into people’s lives, get them to talk about their past and analyse the information, giving it back to them in a very identifiable form. The person being ‘helped’ thinks wow, how fantastic and they have a feeling of relief. Months later that feeling goes and the question arises, ‘ok you’ve identified why I am like I am but nothing has happened since then. When are you going to make me feel better?’ Using a solution focussed approach to your problem gives you a way forward by encouraging you to think about how to shape the future not dwell in the past.
Settling your soul is best tackled by accepting who you are and understanding that you made past decisions with the knowledge you had then and that now your knowledge is different and that given the situation again you would not react in the same way.
We all have a past history, we all have negative experiences; we all develop differently. What we have to understand is that we are a product of our past. The way we deal with that past makes the difference. We can let past negative influences make us negative, or we can use the experience to adjust ourselves to a positive reaction and we can use the information to alter our environment to a positive place. Being subjected to many life negatives does not mean that you can’t change them. But it does mean that you have to make greater efforts to change your mindset to feel better about yourself and to find the positives.
Settling your soul means accepting your past and your self. Coming from a ‘difficult’ background does not mean that you are destined for a difficult future. In fact if you think about it, if your life experience to date has been difficult, then you should be able to use all of that understanding to make a better future.
DON’T BE HARD ON YOURSELF ENJOY YOU WARTS AND ALL!!!!!
NEXT MONDAY
USE YOUR UNIQUE KNOWLEDGE
It’s no good spending valuable healing time torturing yourself by going over your past life events. No matter what, you can not change them. They are what makes you good or bad!
Settling your soul starts with the acceptance that you can not change the past. Using your knowledge and experience to shape your future is what you should spend time thinking about. No one knows the core you better than you. Quite often psychologists, counsellors and social workers come into people’s lives, get them to talk about their past and analyse the information, giving it back to them in a very identifiable form. The person being ‘helped’ thinks wow, how fantastic and they have a feeling of relief. Months later that feeling goes and the question arises, ‘ok you’ve identified why I am like I am but nothing has happened since then. When are you going to make me feel better?’ Using a solution focussed approach to your problem gives you a way forward by encouraging you to think about how to shape the future not dwell in the past.
Settling your soul is best tackled by accepting who you are and understanding that you made past decisions with the knowledge you had then and that now your knowledge is different and that given the situation again you would not react in the same way.
We all have a past history, we all have negative experiences; we all develop differently. What we have to understand is that we are a product of our past. The way we deal with that past makes the difference. We can let past negative influences make us negative, or we can use the experience to adjust ourselves to a positive reaction and we can use the information to alter our environment to a positive place. Being subjected to many life negatives does not mean that you can’t change them. But it does mean that you have to make greater efforts to change your mindset to feel better about yourself and to find the positives.
Settling your soul means accepting your past and your self. Coming from a ‘difficult’ background does not mean that you are destined for a difficult future. In fact if you think about it, if your life experience to date has been difficult, then you should be able to use all of that understanding to make a better future.
DON’T BE HARD ON YOURSELF ENJOY YOU WARTS AND ALL!!!!!
NEXT MONDAY
USE YOUR UNIQUE KNOWLEDGE
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
