Sunday, 25 April 2010

Dad Fights for Son's Contact

MG from Somalia has been trying to get contact to his son for the past two years. He says his former partner 'allowed' him to see his son occasionally but he has had to 'beg' and contact was often stopped moments before it was arranged to take place.

Sound familiar?

We encouraged him to take the matter to Court for a Contact Order....

Mum has made allegations of domestic violence, denied by Dad. The Court has asked for reports following a recent Hearing.

He asks....

Q "How long will it take to get the next hearing after ive just had the first one yesterday?"

A The next Hearing will be determined by several factors the main ones being... The time it takes to get the reports needed. Although the protocol sets out the times that are often stretched because of the difficulties in getting the reports completed. Another factor is the Court listings. Quite often the Court has a lot of cases and have to fit your case in. Once again, the Court has to take account of the protocols, (they are different in private law than public law). You should have had a new Hearing date fixed when you were last in Court.

Q "police said there is no allegations made on my name as they have checked in their database system and there was nothing on me, mind you i only went to ----- police in ------------ where we used to live so will this database record show just anything that happened in ----- or is it the whole country database?"

A The Police National Computer check should have all details of any arrests etc. The local Police should have checked on this. You have said that you have never been in trouble with the Police so when the reports are completed this should be dealt with.

Q "I am gonna be on supervised contact visit at a contact centre in ------, how long will this supervised visit last because eventually i would love to have my son having fortnight staying contact with me like previously requested?"

A You tell me that the order made states that contact will happen at the contact centre every 2 weeks for 2 hours. This should be until your next hearing. I would expect that whoever is supervising you will be responsible for reporting their findings. The Court will take all this into account when your case is properly heard. It is not good to keep long term contact at a centre so the reporter should look at this for you.

Q "how does it work in contact centre? are they gonna be watching every move how i interact with my son?"

A If your order says supervised then this is exactly what it means. You are being supervised and as such you will be watched and your behaviour monitored along with your son's reaction to contact.

Monday, 12 April 2010


What you have is priceless. Don't underestimate your worth. Your knowledge is unique to you and whether you like it or not, good or bad it all belongs solely to you. You make your decisions in this knowledge, it affects your every day thoughts and events.

Understand that no matter what, there are no negatives in there it's all positive if you use the knowledge you've gained to good effect it is absolutely PRICELESS.

Let's say that you are in a relationship that you are not enjoying. Why are you still there? The answer may well be that you are hoping something will change to make it 'better'. Or you just don't feel that you have the strength to move away from it.

Your reasons for staying are unique to you. Inside, you know the real reasons. To come to the reasons you have used your knowledge. It is this that determines how you cope. It may be that you have reflected on your past and that you have the knowledge that you have done something in the past that you regret and that you are blaming yourself for. Reflect again on this and use your knowledge to inform you, not destroy you. Maybe you should have moved out of the relationship years ago but you did not. Don't dwell on this. It may be that you are feeling guilty for thoughts or things you have done that you consider are wrong. By all means reflect on your past but accept that we all do things that we regret, it's a part of learning. What you don't want to do is to continue to do something that you know is wrong. Don't try to appease everyone else, you can't win them all, so don't try to, accept that some people will not understand and accept your position. That is a matter for them, not you. Keeping a failing relationship alive because you are trying to please others is not a positive way forward. It leads to uncertainty. Being vague about what you really mean, to try to lessen the impact of the relationship's end, is more damaging that a clean break. Vagueness leads to unhelpful responses from those around you.

Ending a relationship cleanly and quickly may be brutal in the short term but spending months trying to wean someone off you is down right abusive!

Using your knowledge to define your problem will help you to come to a positive conclusion.

When people are unclear about what they want to change, attempts at finding solutions are often misguided. This can lead to frustration especially when nothing seems to be improving. If you are unsure about the exact nature of your problem take the time to trawl your knowledge and find the reasons behind your needs then act on them.



Monday, 5 April 2010



It’s no good spending valuable healing time torturing yourself by going over your past life events. No matter what, you can not change them. They are what makes you good or bad!

Settling your soul starts with the acceptance that you can not change the past. Using your knowledge and experience to shape your future is what you should spend time thinking about. No one knows the core you better than you. Quite often psychologists, counsellors and social workers come into people’s lives, get them to talk about their past and analyse the information, giving it back to them in a very identifiable form. The person being ‘helped’ thinks wow, how fantastic and they have a feeling of relief. Months later that feeling goes and the question arises, ‘ok you’ve identified why I am like I am but nothing has happened since then. When are you going to make me feel better?’ Using a solution focussed approach to your problem gives you a way forward by encouraging you to think about how to shape the future not dwell in the past.

Settling your soul is best tackled by accepting who you are and understanding that you made past decisions with the knowledge you had then and that now your knowledge is different and that given the situation again you would not react in the same way.

We all have a past history, we all have negative experiences; we all develop differently. What we have to understand is that we are a product of our past. The way we deal with that past makes the difference. We can let past negative influences make us negative, or we can use the experience to adjust ourselves to a positive reaction and we can use the information to alter our environment to a positive place. Being subjected to many life negatives does not mean that you can’t change them. But it does mean that you have to make greater efforts to change your mindset to feel better about yourself and to find the positives.

Settling your soul means accepting your past and your self. Coming from a ‘difficult’ background does not mean that you are destined for a difficult future. In fact if you think about it, if your life experience to date has been difficult, then you should be able to use all of that understanding to make a better future.