How Divorce Affects Children

Anyone going through a divorce or relationship breakdown will understand how intensely stressful it can be, it is also extremely stressful for any children, regardless of their age, who are caught up in the adult problems. Ensuring that the children are given the right level of unbiased emotional support during this time can be difficult and it falls to the parents and close relatives to provide it.

Children will experience a range of emotions including feeling vulnerable, a sense of loss, grief, anger and a general sense of having no power to help or change things.

I consider that the best thing that parents going through divorce can do for their children is to maintain a civil relationship, especially when it comes to making decisions about their children.
The children will take their lead from their parents. If the parents adjust well then there is a much better chance that the children will follow their example.

Custody battles indicate a poor adult adjustment and as these battles rage the children will experience a lower level of contact to one or both of their parents, and even if there is plenty of contact this will be tainted with the child having to balance the loyalty to each parent.

Abilene counsellor Marc Orner said.

"The parents don't need to poison the well, so to speak, they don't need to talk bad about each other to try to get the child on their side."

One of the more prominent emotions dealt with by those who counsel children through divorce is guilt.

Children are egocentric, so it's natural for them to think the divorce was about them or that they are to blame. Although each child will cope with the problems in their own way age and parenting ability will either help or hinder the progress.

Possible effects at developmental stages:

Age 3-5 Regression to previously attained milestones. Disturbed sleep patterns and separation loss.

Age 6-8 Open grieving for the absent parent and loss of the family structure often with fantasies about the parents getting ‘back-together’ and a ‘happy ending’. They have difficulty coming to terms with the permanency of divorce.

Age 8-11 Anger derived from a feeling of powerlessness. Children at this stage of development are easily influenced and more likely to be involved by ‘Parental Alienation’ resulting in a ‘bad’ parent, ‘good’ parent belief. Many children in this age group take on the role of ‘little parent’, looking after their unhappy family members including mum and dad.

Age 12-18 Adolescents is a difficult time without family upheaval. Depression often with violent outbursts and a blame culture can be expected. These children may ‘judge’ their parents in a moralistic way, inappropriately pointing out each of their parent’s perceived negative ‘contributions’ to the family breakdown.

Ideally parents would work together to ensure a positive transition for their children from the current family to the new family dimension, whatever that may be.

Unfortunately, adults do not always act in an adult, responsible manner especially when they are under emotional pressure. Many parents have themselves had a difficult childhood with poor parenting models and do not have the life-skills to keep their children’s needs in positive focus.

This is where experts and dedicated professionals can help. Parents should be encouraged to seek help and not feel that they are failing or view it as an admission that they are poor parents. Organisations like mychildcontact.com a website dedicated to helping parents and children to work through family break-down and maintaining contact/access to the absent parent have a great deal of experience and can help to keep the parents focussed on the needs of their children.

As a starting point parents should:
• Reassure the children that they are not the reason for the problems and that they are not responsible for their parent’s difficulties.
• Recognise that the children will experience many emotional difficulties and will not necessarily have the experience to handle their emotions.
• Children will need a lot of un-reserved love from all of the adults, including grandparents and other close family members as they move through the feelings of loss and grief.
• Do not think that the older the child, the better they will cope or that they do not need as much support, age does not negate the pain.
• Be consistent and considered.
• Avoid discussing the adult issues in front of the children, but do keep them informed. This should be age appropriate and definitely not a place to ‘offload’ the adult frustrations or hurt.

Copyright 2011 Kenn Griffiths, All Rights Reserved.

About the author:

Kenn Griffiths is a Writer, Investigator, Social Worker and Founder of the internationally acclaimed website www.mychildcontact.com

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Divorce Harms Children?

According to a recent survey carried out by Hyun Sik Kim a leading researcher at the University of Wisconsin, children are ‘permanently’ damaged by divorce. Kim says “Children of divorce experience setbacks in maths test scores and show problems with internalising behaviour. They are more prone to feelings of anxiety, loneliness, low self esteem and sadness”.
I don’t have a problem with this in general terms but I have to say that couples that stay together when it is clear that they are not compatible life partners I’m sure have an even greater part to play in their children’s emotional damage. Families living with domestic violence cause far more difficulties for children. A child subjected to years of hearing and sometimes seeing their parents being verbally and physically abusive to each other is internalised by children even if they are not in the same room. The fact that they can hear the arguing is enough to cause irreparable damage.
Divorcing and separating parents who put their children’s needs before their own can help their children to come to terms with the family break-up without any emotional damage. In fact, done properly the divorce may well help their children to achieve better results at school simply by removing the uncertainty about the family’s future.
Starting a divorce is a journey. Properly planning that journey is the most important part. Throughout there will be cross-roads, hazardous bends and steep hills. At each junction there will be decisions to make. The straight route will be the one with the least amount of stress and difficulty. Many divorcing couples use the children as pawns, using them against the spouse or partner. Statements like ‘if you do what I say you can see the children’, is firstly, not recognising the child’s right to have contact with their family members, and secondly, damaging the child’s development by putting them under unacceptable emotional pressure.
Remember that when you divorce you are not divorcing your children. A statement made to me by a distraught child was exactly that “I want to see my Dad but Mum says we’re divorced now”, tears streaming down her 7 year old face.
Being honest both with yourselves and your children is the best way to stay true to your course.
Ten tips for a positive divorce:
1. Have respect for the other person.
2. Go into each discussion with a real wish to make a positive advance.
3. Remember that when all the hurt has gone you have to live with your decisions. Making good, caring decisions is the best way to settle your conscience.
4. Difficult though it is, make every effort to maintain a civil relationship, this is especially necessary if you have children.
5. If the going gets tough, do not argue or discuss difficult issues in front of, or in the hearing of your children. Better to have these discussions away from the family home in a neutral venue.
6. Ensure that the children are kept informed of what is happening, but do not put them under pressure or use them as a sounding board.
7. Do not burden the children with the adult hurt.
8. Focus on what has worked not what hasn’t.
9. Look after yourself.
10. Be the best ex-partner and parent you can.