Anyone going through a divorce or relationship breakdown will understand how intensely stressful it can be, it is also extremely stressful for any children, regardless of their age, who are caught up in the adult problems. Ensuring that the children are given the right level of unbiased emotional support during this time can be difficult and it falls to the parents and close relatives to provide it.
Children will experience a range of emotions including feeling vulnerable, a sense of loss, grief, anger and a general sense of having no power to help or change things.
I consider that the best thing that parents going through divorce can do for their children is to maintain a civil relationship, especially when it comes to making decisions about their children.
The children will take their lead from their parents. If the parents adjust well then there is a much better chance that the children will follow their example.
Custody battles indicate a poor adult adjustment and as these battles rage the children will experience a lower level of contact to one or both of their parents, and even if there is plenty of contact this will be tainted with the child having to balance the loyalty to each parent.
Abilene counsellor Marc Orner said.
"The parents don't need to poison the well, so to speak, they don't need to talk bad about each other to try to get the child on their side."
One of the more prominent emotions dealt with by those who counsel children through divorce is guilt.
Children are egocentric, so it's natural for them to think the divorce was about them or that they are to blame. Although each child will cope with the problems in their own way age and parenting ability will either help or hinder the progress.
Possible effects at developmental stages:
Age 3-5 Regression to previously attained milestones. Disturbed sleep patterns and separation loss.
Age 6-8 Open grieving for the absent parent and loss of the family structure often with fantasies about the parents getting ‘back-together’ and a ‘happy ending’. They have difficulty coming to terms with the permanency of divorce.
Age 8-11 Anger derived from a feeling of powerlessness. Children at this stage of development are easily influenced and more likely to be involved by ‘Parental Alienation’ resulting in a ‘bad’ parent, ‘good’ parent belief. Many children in this age group take on the role of ‘little parent’, looking after their unhappy family members including mum and dad.
Age 12-18 Adolescents is a difficult time without family upheaval. Depression often with violent outbursts and a blame culture can be expected. These children may ‘judge’ their parents in a moralistic way, inappropriately pointing out each of their parent’s perceived negative ‘contributions’ to the family breakdown.
Ideally parents would work together to ensure a positive transition for their children from the current family to the new family dimension, whatever that may be.
Unfortunately, adults do not always act in an adult, responsible manner especially when they are under emotional pressure. Many parents have themselves had a difficult childhood with poor parenting models and do not have the life-skills to keep their children’s needs in positive focus.
This is where experts and dedicated professionals can help. Parents should be encouraged to seek help and not feel that they are failing or view it as an admission that they are poor parents. Organisations like mychildcontact.com a website dedicated to helping parents and children to work through family break-down and maintaining contact/access to the absent parent have a great deal of experience and can help to keep the parents focussed on the needs of their children.
As a starting point parents should:
• Reassure the children that they are not the reason for the problems and that they are not responsible for their parent’s difficulties.
• Recognise that the children will experience many emotional difficulties and will not necessarily have the experience to handle their emotions.
• Children will need a lot of un-reserved love from all of the adults, including grandparents and other close family members as they move through the feelings of loss and grief.
• Do not think that the older the child, the better they will cope or that they do not need as much support, age does not negate the pain.
• Be consistent and considered.
• Avoid discussing the adult issues in front of the children, but do keep them informed. This should be age appropriate and definitely not a place to ‘offload’ the adult frustrations or hurt.
Copyright 2011 Kenn Griffiths, All Rights Reserved.
About the author:
Kenn Griffiths is a Writer, Investigator, Social Worker and Founder of the internationally acclaimed website www.mychildcontact.com
You are free to publish this article but do include our link.
Showing posts with label Grandparent child contact. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grandparent child contact. Show all posts
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
Kids Want Grandparents
GRANDMOTHER’S DILEMA
It was six months ago that Pauline contacted me to tell me that she feared for her five year old granddaughter’s safety.
The story was very familiar to me. I’ve heard many similar ones over the years. The essence of this one was that this guy, in a previous relationship some years ago, had been investigated by the police and social services following allegations of child sexual abuse against his then partner’s little girl. The case was taken to Court and on the day, the child’s mother lied to cover up the abuse in an effort to ‘keep her man’! He walked free.
Now, he’s moved in with Pauline’s granddaughter. She’s tried to talk to her daughter about her concerns but has been told that she’s a ‘busy body’ and doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
During my initial investigation I spoke to the abused girl’s extended family. A maternal uncle confirmed the original alleged abuse, telling me that following the disclosure his niece moved to live with him and told him the full story. He was in no doubt that the abuse took place. He even confirmed that he knew his sister had lied but could do nothing about it at the time. He was still in touch with his, now twenty year old, niece but told me that she would not talk about her past to anyone. He was right: she would not engage with me or help in my investigation.
I felt I had enough evidence to get the police to look at the case again and contacted the local child protection team. A male officer contacted grandmother by telephone telling her that if she wanted to make a complaint then her granddaughter would be taken to the local hospital and have to be subjected to a physical examination of her ‘private parts’. Grandmother asked the officer to visit her at home so that she could talk about her concerns. The police officer refused to attend. The police did nothing more.
Originally grandma was enjoying weekly contact with her granddaughter. Now, contact has been stopped by her daughter and her partner. The child is desperate to see her grandma and is showing signs of genuine distress. Grandmother now wishes she had kept her concerns to herself. At least then she would be able to keep an eye on her granddaughter’s safety.
What I’ve put in place now is for grandmother to apply for a contact order through the court, thereby forcing a full investigation by way of a report!
CHILDREN’S CONTACT WITH GRANPARENTS
POSITIVE SAYS GOVERNMENT REPORT
Children who experience family breakdown have more positive outcomes when they can turn to grandparents for support according to the findings of a report commissioned by the Department for Children, Schools and Families.
The impact of Family Breakdown on Children’s Wellbeing Evidence Review stresses that the government fully support stable parental relationships but realise that many thousands of children are subject to the stresses of parental separation.
It comes as no surprise that the study’s findings show that there is a higher probability of children experiencing parental separation now than at any time in the history of families.
It was six months ago that Pauline contacted me to tell me that she feared for her five year old granddaughter’s safety.
The story was very familiar to me. I’ve heard many similar ones over the years. The essence of this one was that this guy, in a previous relationship some years ago, had been investigated by the police and social services following allegations of child sexual abuse against his then partner’s little girl. The case was taken to Court and on the day, the child’s mother lied to cover up the abuse in an effort to ‘keep her man’! He walked free.
Now, he’s moved in with Pauline’s granddaughter. She’s tried to talk to her daughter about her concerns but has been told that she’s a ‘busy body’ and doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
During my initial investigation I spoke to the abused girl’s extended family. A maternal uncle confirmed the original alleged abuse, telling me that following the disclosure his niece moved to live with him and told him the full story. He was in no doubt that the abuse took place. He even confirmed that he knew his sister had lied but could do nothing about it at the time. He was still in touch with his, now twenty year old, niece but told me that she would not talk about her past to anyone. He was right: she would not engage with me or help in my investigation.
I felt I had enough evidence to get the police to look at the case again and contacted the local child protection team. A male officer contacted grandmother by telephone telling her that if she wanted to make a complaint then her granddaughter would be taken to the local hospital and have to be subjected to a physical examination of her ‘private parts’. Grandmother asked the officer to visit her at home so that she could talk about her concerns. The police officer refused to attend. The police did nothing more.
Originally grandma was enjoying weekly contact with her granddaughter. Now, contact has been stopped by her daughter and her partner. The child is desperate to see her grandma and is showing signs of genuine distress. Grandmother now wishes she had kept her concerns to herself. At least then she would be able to keep an eye on her granddaughter’s safety.
What I’ve put in place now is for grandmother to apply for a contact order through the court, thereby forcing a full investigation by way of a report!
CHILDREN’S CONTACT WITH GRANPARENTS
POSITIVE SAYS GOVERNMENT REPORT
Children who experience family breakdown have more positive outcomes when they can turn to grandparents for support according to the findings of a report commissioned by the Department for Children, Schools and Families.
The impact of Family Breakdown on Children’s Wellbeing Evidence Review stresses that the government fully support stable parental relationships but realise that many thousands of children are subject to the stresses of parental separation.
It comes as no surprise that the study’s findings show that there is a higher probability of children experiencing parental separation now than at any time in the history of families.
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